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Is Physical Discipline Necessary?

The use of physical physical discipline/corporal punishment by parents has alway been a controversial issue. I have been on both sides of the track in terms of understanding why a parent chooses to use discipline and why a parent shouldn’t use physical discipline. I’ve read several articles and attended many trainings on the negative effects of physical discipline and what happens to children when they are physically disciplined. There is no question that children who are physically disciplined will naturally use this method when solving their own problems or expressing their frustration and anger. There is no question that children who are physically disciplined tend to be more aggressive, express their anger inappropriately at times.

However, I’m sure others can and will use the argument that many of our successful, highly respected leaders were physically disciplined back in the day and they turned out fine. I love hearing this rational from a parent that has been referred to my office due to inappropriate discipline or “physical abuse“. They will often state “I was physically disciplined and I turned out fine”–yet they sit across from me with a sleuth of issues including their parenting.

But my biggest thoughts on physical discipline is not whether it is wrong or not. Not whether you’re a bad parent if you choose to use it. Is it necessary? Do you really have to use physical discipline to get your children to listen? Is it really teaching your child discipline or just another punishment? (there is a difference) Most of the times when “corporal punishment” is used the parent is angry or frustrated, not in control of their emotions and tend to use a force that is stronger than usual. I often hear parents express their frustration that they always have to spank the child because that’s the only thing that works. Well, if physical discipline is working then why do you still have to always use it?? Why hasn’t the child learned their lesson? Let me go out on a limb and say “it works for that moment to stop the behavior but it doesn’t teach them discipline to stop engaging in the negative behaviors in the future”.

So, is it really done to teach a lesson or because as a parent they haven’t found the proper way of handling their own anger or lack the skills to really teach discipline to their child and not just punish their child. The use of physical discipline will continue to be a controversial issue with studies for and against it. But with all of the violence involving children and the level of violence children are exposed to in the world today, as a parent I would think twice about consistently using physical discipline as a primary method in my home. There is always another way!

Coaching you through it all…
YaSheema

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HOW TO BECOME AN A+ CO-PARENTING TEAM?

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Learning how to effectively co-parent with your ex-spouse or significant other can be one of the most challenging tasks for a parent. It doesn’t matter if you and the other parent live in the same home or in separate homes, learning how to effectively co-parent is vital to the mental health of the children! I remember when I married my husband, I became an instant parent of children who already had a mother and a father. Considering the fact that I’d never parented children before and I was coming into systems that had already been in place–it was key that I became a master at co-parenting! My effectiveness and commitment to this contributed to having good relationships with my stepchildren.

What is co-parenting? 

Co-Parenting is when two parents work together—even after divorce or a romantic relationship ends.  Successful co-parenting skills are not usually taught but learned and developed over time with commitment and consistency.  Both parents will have to learn to think of their relationship as one that is entirely about the well-being of the child(ren), and not about either of you.

As a parent, we naturally have our own views about how things should be done, what type of children we want to raise, what type of discipline to use, when to give consequences, etc.  The majority of our views on parenting is developed by a combination of what our parents did or didn’t do and the information that we’ve learned from books, internet, friends, life, etc.  As individuals, these views can be on two different sides of the spectrum and not to mention the differences that will arise from our personalities and the male/female dynamic.  Men and women typically have different methods in solving problems and this is no different when it comes to parenting.  Contrary to what most may think, mommy doesn’t always know best

When I’m coaching my clients, it is very common to see parents on different pages with parenting their children which leads to them often engaging in arguments, failed systems, inconsistent discipline that ultimately causes chaos in their home and strain on their relationship.  Let’s not forget….you had children to bring joy into your home not to start a war! The beauty of having two parents is that the child has the opportunity to benefit from the strengths of both individual people so we want to make sure that our children have the benefits of both parent worlds!  I have a few strategies that will help you and your spouse or significant other or ex become a more effective parenting team.

How to build an effective co-parenting team?

  1. Communicate!  Communicate!  Communicate!—One of the major pitfalls in co-parenting is not communicating with one other.  Communication about how you will parent and what values are important to teach your children should start before you actually have children.  But after this joyous occasion happens, it is imperative to communicate daily sometimes but at least weekly about what the parenting issues are, how you are feeling, what is frustrating you, how you think something should be handled, etc.  If parents do not communicate about what’s happening with their children then they will never be on the same page.  Each person will continue to do their own thing without any structure being provided to the children or leave all of the parenting decisions to one parent which is a lose-lose situation for the child.
  2. Compromise and be willing to learn new skills—Each parent will bring different techniques and point of views about parenting, building character, etc.   The important thing is to remember that parents may have to learn new skills and this may be difficult at first.  However, it is necessary for healthy child development and for helping children cope with many changes in their family.  Accept the fact that one of you may have a parenting skill that is more effective that the other person at times.  One of you may be more skilled in handling a 2-yr. old tantrum and the other may be more skilled at handling homework time.  Whatever the situation, be willing to learn new skills in order to parent consistently and create parental synergy in your home. 
  3. Create a “family system” not a “you” system—It is very important as parents to develop a family system that involves how consequences are handled, how children are disciplined, what values you want to teach your children, etc.  The significance in creating this system is that no matter what your parenting style is or what your individual views of parenting are…when you develop the system everybody needs to follow the system.  So, it doesn’t matter if one parent is more lenient than the other because each parent needs to follow the system.  If bedtime is at 8:30pm then we have to stick with the system.  This also helps to develop structure in the home and maintain an environment of stability and security for the children. 
  4. Respect each other’s parenting style—Never undermine or criticize the other parent’s style of raising the children especially in front of the child(ren).  This causes dissension between the two of you and may cause the other parent to limit their engagement with the children or the family process in general because their views are not being respected.  Instead, have healthy adult discussions about the strengths that your differences will provide for raising a well-rounded child.  When children realize that their parents are always at one another’s throat about parenting, then this opens the door to splitting the parents and manipulating to get their way.   
  5. Remember that you are a team—As parents you want to always be a united front with your children.  Even though you may have different methods, you goal of having a successful family with awesome children should be the same.  There is no “I” in team and it doesn’t always have to be one way or the other or it’s not the right way.  You need to have each other’s back and be supportive of one another in order for your team to win consistently!  

    We discuss these important topics and more regarding divorce in the State of Florida in our 4-hour Parent Education and Stabilization Course. Sign-up today if you’re going through a divorce or a custody battle by emailing info@renaissancefamilysolutions.com

    YaSheema
    Your Family Change Agent

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Raising Successful Kids in Failing Environments

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I’m so glad that the first two weeks of school has come and gone. Now, it’s time to get focused on some new projects that I’m working on.

Over the past weeks, months and years, the media exposure to violence against children and particularly African American males has been alarmingly off the charts. There’s been so much debate and discussion about the inhumane treatment of several African American males and the violence that is perpetuated against them by citizens and authority figures in their communities that I felt the need to blog about the positive influence parents can have during times like this.

Although, there are many people who are outraged and didn’t know that in some cities, states and communities this type of violence is a regular occurrence. This type of violence has destroyed, paralyzed and virtually crippled many generations in the past and current. This level of violence, unrest, poor race relations, etc. has left communities and families feeling hopeless like there is no future for their own children or the children in their communities. But if the people living in these communities, cities and states don’t take back their families, communities, cities & states we will continue to see even worse acts of violence perpetuated against these young men (African American and Hispanic).

As a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, counsin, brother, sister, pastor, community leader and any other person who is involved in the villages that are suffering like this…IT STARTS WITH YOU!

Of course, there are things that will happen outside of the comfort and protection of our homes that we cannot control but we have an obligation and duty to do whatever we can to make sure our children grow up with the success tools they need to make a difference in society and take a different path than negativity that is consistently bombarding their neighborhoods. So, you ask–What can I do if I am raising children in these not so good environments?

Well, there are so many things that parents need to do in order to create an environment of success but I’m going to share 3 tips that will give you a great starting point:

1. Create a positive home environment that resonates of positivity, support, love, encouragement & empowerment. And always tell your child something positive DAILY so they know they are special to someone and they’ll feel good about themselves. So that means: No name calling, No Put downs, No blaming them for your horrible life and No comparing them to the negative traits of the other parent if you are a single parent;

2. You should expose them to the possibilities of a sucessful life outside of “their hood” in order to show them that there are positive people, places, and things for them to see, do and be in this world. They need to know that they can go to college if they want to, they can have a successful career doing something they love, they can be a business man or woman, etc. They need to know that the skies are the limit for them and they can achieve what they may see as the “impossible”.

3. Get them involved in an extracurricular activity that they enjoy. This can be sports, arts, music, cooking, volunteering, drawing, etc. It doesn’t matter what it is just as long as it fosters leadership, teamwork, goal-setting and achievement in order to boost their confidence in themselves. If there is a mentoring program or club they can get involved in that can teach them things that you as a parent are not knowledgable about then get them signed up!

MY BONUS TIP:

Don’t be afraid to do some self-improvement yourself as a parent. It’s never too late to take a class, learn a new trade, finish your degree or get your high school diploma/GED if you haven’t. Showing your child that you want more out of life speaks the world to them and it makes the “impossible” seem more “possible” when kids see their parents changing for the better and rise above their own odds!

I hope these tips have been helpful today but if you would love to talk with me in morre depth about anything concerning yourself or your family please feel free to contact me via my email or blog.

Your Family Change Agent,
YaSheema

Email: yasheema@rfsorlando.com Blog: http://www.yasheemamarshall.com.
Facebook: Renaissance Family
Instagram: Yasheemathecoach

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STOP HURTING THE CHILDREN!

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“I couldn’t find a sitter”. “I forgot they were in the car”. ” l ran in the store for 30 minutes”. “I had to work”. These are just a few of the ridiculous and inexcusable reasons parents have given after their children have either died or suffered serious injuries from being left in a hot car. I wish somebody would just be honest and tell the truth….”I’m tired of being a parent!” “I need help!” “I’m overwhelmed!” “I’m gonna kill this kid!”

I am literally sickened to my stomach by not just the irresponsible act of leaving small, helpless children in burning hot cars but the outright maltreatment and violence children are being subjected to by adults who SHOULD be nurturing and caring for them. I am no stranger to child abuse and have spent many years up close and personal working with parents who have either done or allowed the unimaginable to be done to their children.

So you ask….How can a parent do such heinous and violent things to their children? Here are a few “why” reasons that I’ve concluded from my years of professional experience:

1. It was done to them so they are doing what they naturally know to do. They lack proper parenting education to learn appropriate discipline methods thus engage in harsh methods of discipline.

2. They have a mental illness and are not under anyone’s routine care for psychological and/or psychiatric needs therefore VERY unstable.

3. They have a violent temper they have not learned to control thus are prone to react unreasonably and uncontrollably to a child’s behavior.

4. They have a substance abuse problem that grossly effects their ability to parent or make sound parental decisions while under the influence.

5. Those around them (family, friends, significant others, neighbors, etc.). Have consistently witnessed their maltreatment of their children without intervening or challenging what they are doing to their children or not doing for themselves. Those close to these families must intervene or speak out FOR THE CHILDREN! Stop turning the cheek!

Whatever the “why” may be, there is never a good reason to hurt or kill a child. They are innocent and didn’t choose US as parents..we CHOSE to have them. No matter what the circumstances may have been behind their conception if you choose to have a child then you either take care of them properly with love, nurture and care or give them to somebody who can.

I understand that parenting alone is a tough job in the best of situations. And becomes even more difficult when you are faced with other stressors such as financial difficulties, homelessness, poverty, etc. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, depressed or stressed with life and parenting here are a few things you can do:

1. Seek help immediately! There are resources in your community that can help you. Call someone–family, friend, a hotline, etc. Don’t wait until your frustration is so high that you pop like a balloon and make the wrong decision.

2. Take your child to someone who can and will care for them. Not to any Tom and Jerry but a trusted someone or some place that you know will care for them.

3. Find a support system-–parent support group, church/faith-based organization, neighbors, etc. In tough times just having a listening ear or knowing you have support can lighten your load.

4. Just don’t respond in violence to your child(ren) or do something to inadvertently hurt them because you can’t handle the pressure. Exercise self-control by taking some deep breaths or a quick parent time out to think before acting when you’re angry.

All said and done….We must stop this violence that is happening to our children on a regular basis. There are too many children that are being mistreated, hurt and killed. Something needs to be done about it! Parents that are seriously hurting their children need tougher consequences for their actions. There are too many parents getting away with real crimes against their children simply because they are parents. A slap on the wrist is no longer enough–maybe parents should be charged with a crime like aggravated assault or the intent do great bodily harm not just child abuse!

If you or someone you know are overwhelmed and stressed as a parent my Parent Coaching Services will be very helpful to you!

Call or email us today for your FREE 30 minute consultation and get the help you need!

You can reach us at yasheema@rfsorlando.com

Here’s to coaching you through it all…one step at a time!

YaSheema
Your Family Change Agent

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Building Your A-List Support System!

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Having a support system is one of the most important factors in being an effective parent. Whether it’s your mother, father, sister, friend, neighbor, etc. Every parent must have people and places that they can depend on to support them as they raise their
children.

What is a support system?
A support system is a group of people and/or places that has made themselves available to help you and your family in areas of need such as child care, transportation, moral support, advice, resources, etc.

So who is your support system? Who have you enlisted to be in your corner to help you and your family? I know this may be a difficult task for some people but please understand that your life will instantly become more manageable when you decide to trust others to be a part of your life in a supportive way.

Here are 3 tips to help you build an
A-List Support System:

1. ASK for help! No one will know that you need help if you don ask them. Many people suffer alone and in silence when there was someone willing and able to help them through their situation if they only ASKED!

2. RECOGNIZE when people are in your life to help you and not to hurt you. Having trust issues can hinder your ability to recognize when someone is really looking out for your best interests and will cause you to ignore a helping hand! So don’t miss out on your help because you can’t recognize when someone is there to help!

3. BE OPEN to receiving help from people and places when you realize you need it. Being too proud to accept a helping hand will not help you or your family when in need. But being prideful will leave you suffering because you didn’t want a “handout”! Allow people to help you because EVERYONE has needed a helping hand at some point in their life. You are not the first and you will not be the last to need help!

So, let’s get started building your support system today. There are people who are willing and able to be there to support you and your family if you would only ASK, RECOGNIZE, and BE OPEN!

Coaching You Through It All!
YaSheema

Freedom In Your Family!

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I’ve had an insanely busy two weeks and finished it off with some family fun at a local festival before heading off to a week-long vacation. But all of this food, fireworks, parades and celebrations about our FREEDOM has made me think about when I decided to become financially free and start my company Renaissance Family Solutions, Inc.

Becoming free didn’t just mean breaking FREE from the typical day to day operations of the corporate world. But it meant becoming FREE to pursue my purpose and do what I am most passionate about…helping families achieve true FREEDOM in their homes!

*FREEDOM to raise healthy children;
*FREEDOM to discipline their children without violence;
*FREEDOM to build a support system that really helps;
*FREEDOM to have services that are needed; AND
*FREEDOM to build a successful family.

So for those parents, youth and families that I have had the pleasure of working with and for those that I have not…continue to seek true FREEDOM in your families and fill your walls with love, happiness, peace and harmony! YOU CAN DO IT!! Continue to have a great summer and contact us if you need help with anything!

Coaching You Through It All!
YaSheema

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Hats Off To Mothers!

     Mothers are an invaluable part of our world! They wear so many hats and I believe mothers have the toughest job in the world. Being a mother doesn’t start when your child is born and doesn’t stop when they turn 18. Being a mother never ends no matter how old your children are! I don’t know about anyone else but I still like to call my mother anytime for some motherly advice, comfort or just to hear her voice.

When you are a mother of a child who has special needs or disabilities, your job as a mother can get a little tougher. It will take understanding, compassion, support, hard work, advocacy and a unique set of skills to successfully parent your child to achieving great things in life. But it is possible–our guest speaker at the “Hats Off To Mothers” event proved that everything is possible! She let us know that no matter what the problem is–that we as mothers are the frontline defense for our children that can never wave their flags!!

I wanted to share some photos of my “Hats Off To Mothers” event in support of children’s mental health awareness week! If you have any questions or are in need of support or services for your family please feel free to contact us!! We can help you!!

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It’s Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week!

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I’ve spent the last couple of weeks attending and participating in mental health awareness events in the community. This week I will host my own mental health awareness event called “Hats Off To Mothers“. An event designed to celebrate and honor mothers of children with emotional, behavioral, and mental health issues. We are looking forward to this fun event with a guest speaker, poetry, prizes and food!

As a parent support partner, I’m always trying to help parents come up with ideas to help their children function better daily in all environments. So, I came up with these 5 Tips to Raising Mentally Healthy Kids:

1. Create an environment of love, acceptance , nurturing , support and compassion.

2. Find a circle of supportive people and places that understand and love you and your children.

3. Build up your children daily with positive words of encouragement and reassurance.

4. Advocate for the needs, services and rights of your children no matter what.

5. Improve yourself as a parent by continuing to learn, change and model.

Please follow me on instagram @yasheemathecoach this week and share all of the mental health facts posted and share with your networks throughout the week. Also use #mentalhealthawareness when you share the facts on twitter or instagram.

YaSheema
Your Family Change Agent
Coaching You Through It All>

CHANGE YOUR THINKING. CHANGE YOUR ACTIONS. CHANGE YOUR FAMILY.

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